I cried uncontrollably, hysterically as the plane landed on Jamaican soil. With wondering minds, the curious airplane passengers gazed in our direction. My embarrassed mother tried to console me, as she rationalized the passing of her mother. I sobbed. Hollered. The tears just kept coming. Never in my life have I had to deal with the pain and grief of loosing a loved one, so close to my heart. Sure, I’ve lost other relatives but loosing my grandma was different. Mama was my everything. Mama is the reason for this website. She has been my inspiration since birth.

When the customs officer asked, “what’s the reason for your trip?” all I could do was bawl some more. I would gain a little composure but the tears flowed like a river. What seem to hurt the most was the fact that I was in Jamaica but would never be able to go by my house to visit my grandma, ever again. All I had now were memories. I wanted her to live to eternity. I began to wonder how I was going to read the eulogy or do anything at all, if I continued with this uncontrollable crying. Since the news of her passing on to glory, I have been crying on and off, but it was nothing like what was happening at the airport in Jamaica. The funeral program took me a while to design because it wasn’t easy looking at her photos. The tears would flow and I would find something else to do to ease my mind. I would cry randomly at the thought of her but it usually lasted a minute. Now  the plane had landed over an hour and I was still crying.

The first stop would be at the funeral home. We had no idea where we were going and almost drove past it, but it was as if my grandma tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Denise look over here. You’re passing by.Turn around.” I glance over to the right and noticed the name of the establishment and told the driver to make a u-turn.

After selecting the mama’s casket, I asked the owner if I could see her. I waited patiently as they brought her out. Don’t ask where this bravery came from. I don’t understand it myself but I embrace  the growth. Once upon a time, I would have never in my wildest dreams been this brave. I went over to mama and told her that I love her. I know she knows that already. I thanked her for dreaming me on the day she rose and told her I was glad, that she was glad, that she has gone home to glory. I spoke to her for a while and told her not to be a stranger; that I like having her in my dreams.

It was as if she spoke to my soul. I felt much better and the crying ceased. I thanked the undertaker for taking the time, allowing me to speak to my grandma. I was at peace with my soul and so was mama. I forgot to tell her that she should show up for the wake but I’m quite sure she knows that I was about to have a huge celebration for her.

I’m finally at peace with my soul and I know for sure mama is now at peace with her soul. We love you mama.